Friday, February 15, 2013

Things I'm Figuring Out

I think I mentioned I'm taking a course through Writing Our Way Home.  The course is called "Writing Towards Healing," and the material is quite interesting.  This week, we are tasked to think about things we didn't realize about ourselves until recently.  Here's what I have come up with.

1.  When I feel bullied on top of having my normal anxiety, I hurt myself physically and emotionally.

2.  When I feel seriously and continuously bullied/beat up/abused by systems and individuals, I want the culprits to feel the pain they have inflicted on me.  This means, I wish they could be in my body so they could fully experience the ramifications of what they are doing.  I want them to be (metaphysically?) punished by my pain and rage, thus recognizing how much their actions hurt so they will not do it again to anyone.

3.  I am more stubborn and competitive than I once thought I was, especially against systems that seem insurmountable.  When it comes to social injustice and bullying, I almost dare the perpetrators to try to take me down because doing so keeps me alive, even though it might also bring their wrath upon me more.  I take my "revenge" by speaking out (mostly through writing) even as they are beating me up for it.  People often call me stupid for doing this, but they don't realize it's part of my personality and a coping mechanism, for better or worse.  However, these people in power deserve to be punished because they are unethical and/or use their power to hurt others, and I will do whatever I can to bring about justice. 

4.  My ADHD mostly manifests itself  as distraction or hyper-focusing.  I can hyper-focus on a project or idea.  However, when I hyper-focus on fear, it's probably more the PTSD and anxiety at work.  Anxiety can cause me to lose my temper to a certain point.

5.  I am probably noise sensitive anyway, but the tinnitus makes it twice as bad.  Loud noises can contribute to anxiety.

6.  My life is stressful in general, but there is always a last straw that will set me off.  If it's someone else that adds the last straw to my enormous, existing pile, then that person should be punished if it is a person in authority.

7.  Because of my past and my most recent experiences, I am beginning to resent police and military at all levels, something I have really worked to overcome in the past and was moderately successful.  What little trust I had in them has been lost.  You have to earn trust, and they broke it--again.

8.  I understand and can unconditionally love criminals, but I now recognize I have to do that from a distance and in other ways, such as advocating for them.  I have tremendous compassion for them because for the most part, I understand why they are the way they are.

9.  I am disappointed in myself that I can love criminals (in an agape sense), but can't do the same for many of those in authority and power (such as police, military, government, politicians, supposed educators, etc.).  I tell myself I am not Jesus Christ, but I still hold high expectations of myself, even though I know some of them are unreasonable.

10.  Because I hold high expectations of myself, I have high expectations for those in authority.  I also assume those in authority know more than they might and that they are capable of making good decisions, so they should.  I've learned through painful trial and error that many of these people are clueless and should never even be in positions of authority.

I am quite sure there are more things I'm learning and will learn, but if we don't keep learning, we will stagnate.
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