Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Am I Depressed? Nah.

One of my best friends asked me if I get tired of the daily grind.  I tried to answer, but it's more complicated than yes or no.

Being the completely honest person I am, I told him since there are days when I don't leave the house, I sometimes don't bother showering.  He thought I was depressed, to which I responded,

I'm not depressed.  It's just that I don't go anywhere and I don't stink or anything (I do take a sponge bath) but there doesn't seem to be a reason to get myself out of my pj's.  I really wish at least part of my job was outside the home.  Then again, I've had time to paint, organize my crafts, do more laundry, take care of the pets (cater to them, actually) and cook.  And if the kids have problems or there are appointments, I don't have to worry about missing work.  So it's a give and take.  I try to walk the dog once a day, but sometimes it's so damn cold, I have no desire to go out.  Maybe it will be better in the spring.  I am trying to at least do the treadmill 15 minutes a day, though, because I need the exercise.

I also told him I laugh more than once a day.  And lately, I've been discovering beauty all around me, things I overlooked before.  I attribute that to Satya.  And then there is my gratitude list which has always kept me grounded and my troubles in perspective.  Plus, I've added my painting/note card making to my biz. I market my books practically all day, one way or another, and am working on an e-book of poetry to be released before the year's end.  I've cut down on some of my volunteer work because I need to make money and spend more time taking care of my health. 

Health is probably the biggest reason I am self-employed.  I've just got too many issues to do the traditional 9-5 thing, along with many responsibilities at home.  Thank God that, at the moment, I've got a steady paying, fulfilling writing gig, but when that ends, I don't know what the future will hold, and since hubby works for the DOD, he will be part of the weekly or bi-weekly sequestering that starts March 1, which means he stays home without being paid.  That we are not alone in this situation is no comfort.  We're cutting our budget here, but I told him only half-kiddingly, I might have to apply for a PT job at Walmart. 

The funny thing is, I probably work more hours than most people because I do it off and on throughout the day, usually 6-7 days a week.  Some people think, oh she's just blogging and wasting time, but they have no idea how much work it takes to earn even a pittance as a writer/artist.  I'm not complaining, just pointing out a reality. 

My friend asked me if I wanted to work outside the home and whether or not I would ever return to the jail.  Here's what I said:

I wish I had something outside the home, at least something that would keep me on some kind of schedule.  And no, I would never go back to the jail. As my shrink said, it's a toxic environment.  Too many people who want to see me fail and I won't work for people who won't support me.  I can't.  As you note, the anxiety it produces is over the top.  Plus, there's the noise factor.  My hearing has become a real issue (ringing in my ears, noise sensitivity).

My friend also commented about mothering being a full-time job, and I adamantly agreed, especially because both my "kids" have disabilities.  They need more nurturing than some kids, more monitoring and a special kind of understanding.  They are GREAT kids, and yes, I pat myself on the shoulder for that and hug people like my husband, our ministers, our church members, teachers and admin at the school, doctors, etc.  Our kids needed more than a village.  So have I! LOL!  The DOD used to wonder why David didn't accept overseas assignments, and I think they are finally getting it.  Took them long enough, but that's government for you.  (Oh, did I say that?)

Anyway, as you can see, someone like me can really struggle getting a job.  I know this is the same for too many others in this economy, and it's always been like that for the marginalized, so I empathize.

This all may be my truth, my reality, but that isn't going to stop me from trying my best, to do everything I need to do and can do.  And all in all, I think I've got a pretty good attitude about it.  Ha!
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